Tag Archives: Humor

Dogs Are Overrated

26 Tuesday Nov 2019

Posted by in Dogs, Humor, Nature, Poem, Poems, Poetic Blog, Poetry

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Dog2

Sorry, folks, this writer is
tired of the bark, the short
life spans, the attachments
then death, the shit on the
lawn, the tearing up your
furniture and pissing on
your new carpet until you
just don’t buy new carpets
anymore.

In the absence of slaves or
toy robot servants we choose
dogs; in the absence of human
friends to boss around and
cuddle with we choose dogs…
But not I, I just live with them
against my will until I have
enough money or means to
evict them.

Yes, I want to evict dogs from
my life, to leave more room
for God in my life, people,
peace, clean lawns and rugs,
attachments that last more
than thirteen years.  I know if
you are a dog person this might
offend you, and if you be such
too bad.

I think dogs are overrated, and
I say that calmly without being
mad.  They’re great in the store,
cute to cuddle a moment with,
but I currently seek an Isle of
Humans where I can immerse
myself in pure humanity, nature—
dogs are in nature—fine, they
can be there,

On their own island far from mine;
if I hear another dog bark after nine
I think I might take up rock n’ roll
to become deaf on purpose;
to hear them bark my peace away
is to harp on this poem like
brotherly love its Philly cheesesteak,
give me a break, I’m tempted to
eat cheesecake,

An appetite to write without
Scruffy, Biff, Buffy or Pooch
pooping, peeing, and barking
on my birthright… To humans,
All hail human beings!  Nature
fine, over there and around us
fine, but too many dogs on the
block turns my poetry into
unfine wine.

Turning the page, in the peace
of moments when they do
sleep I shine… Until we meat
again, Puppy, I’m sure all my
days you’ll try to follow me,
But I’m working on my clever
zig-zag, so be prepared to
separate, I gotta date, with a
real woman,

Kids on the way, I don’t need
the extra weight!  Adieu, doggies,
you’re cute but too loud, one
way or another I’ll never forget
you.  Good night to all lovers,
this has been a rant in a night
when dogs saw a cat and started
barking without end on top of
and all over my life.

The Poem Not Written

16 Saturday Nov 2019

Posted by in Humor, Poem, Poems, Poetic Blog, Poetry

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Poetry1

I had plenty to say about
British invaders “using
natives kindly” and coveting
their land before stealing
it amidst the chaos of
mutiny, rebellion, starvation,
and forced coups in a land
natives called Wingandacoa
but the British vainly called
“Virginia” after their queen.

I had even more to say about
living at LAX airport in a city
most call Los Angeles, but I
prefer the native name,
Otsungna, signifying “place
of the roses;” I lived there,
trying to raise 600 bucks to
catch a plane for London
because Sigi Schmid, the
L.A. Galaxy soccer coach,
never called me to give me
a tryout in 1999.  Instead of
being depressed about that,
I rode my bike to the airport
from Pasadena (Chippewa:
“crown of the valley”), parked
the bike, lost the bike for
twenty-four hours, figured it
was stolen, then it reappeared
magically where I had left it
at the front door to the international
terminal, un-scratched and
unscathed.  So I sold the bike to
a redcap for 250 dollars,
which is how much I needed
to buy my ticket finally,
after camping out at the airport
three days.

I would have written something
about living in psych wards, when
filled with self-doubt and un-
checked alcoholism—how I
literally checked myself in
once at an emergency room in
Pasadena with symptoms
of “Self-Doubt.”  That helped me
to realize that was crazy, and
I slowly began to believe not
that I was crazy, but that I was
alcoholic, and that if I just
refrained from drinking alcohol
or using drugs one day at a time,
all would be fine!  Even if I just
watched TV or a movie, made
that my whole day, it was okay,
and better than doing something
bad like putting mind-altering
substances in my body.

I would surely have tackled
Western Medicine, and how sick
it is.  I frankly think it has serious
health problems, along with
the insurance game littering
its offices, halls and examination
rooms—perhaps why they’re often
too cold with air conditioning that
makes you sicker than before
you left home.  The sicker you
are the better deal health
insurance is for you, so good
luck with that; the healthier
you are, you lose and the health
insurance companies win that
round, so what’s it going to be?
Remember War Games from 1983?
“The only winning move is not
to play…”  From that year I also
remember “Owner of a Lonely
Heart,” Octopussy, Never Say
Never Again—two Bond movies
in one year!  English Beat’s last
year together, Chevy Chase
in Vacation, Harold Ramis
directing the John Hughes script.
I had thirteen dollars to my
name that year and felt rich…

Last, I was going to write
something on an impromptu
date at the post office.  I ran
into Mrs. Right, I’m sure of it,
so why was she hollering outside
the name of some dude, sure
to be a husband or boyfriend?
Could it have been a friend or
brother, and I still have a chance?
No matter what, it was rather
an enchanted meeting, and
I hope to see her again.  Does
that mean if her other guy
sees this poem, he’ll come
after me, email me, threaten
me with violence, if I
don’t stay away from his girl?
It’s happened to me before,
because I try to be true to
my own feelings and let women
decide what they want to do,
and sometimes someone will
let you make moves on them
because they’re bored or
not thrilled with their current
guy, but there is a danger of
ticking someone off, so I’ve
resolved to at the sound of
“I have a boyfriend” staying
generally the heck away,
hoping for romance when the
coast is clear.

I would have written all that!

The Perfect Bummer

05 Tuesday Nov 2019

Posted by in Anecdote, Humor, Humorous, Poem, Poems, Poesia, Poetic Blog, Poetry

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

Dog Poo1

I had no idea when I boarded
the bus that I had stepped in it.

It was the first day of school, or
so it seemed, myself off on my
first bus to town from my
mountain writer’s paradise in
San Miguel de Allende, Guanajuato
Mexico, place of story, desert
and an indigenous way of life
caught in the headlights of Europe’s
historic, often perverse advance.

There I was, not alone, but
with the dueña of my house,
she the mom, overseeing
transfer of her child from home
to bus to school.

We were both eager to see
this bus from rural Jalpa past
our compound toward the Centro,
and sure enough after a while,
the Route 15 bus rumbled along,
but not until a time waiting
and conversing.

In that time I did notice a
tremendously large dog dropping.
Big and steamy, to my left—no
problem, and not a surprise with
all the dogs around that area.

No matter, here’s my bus!  There,
at last, some independence,
to learn the bus system important
living in so remote a place while
I wrote my book about white
people stealing native lands.

“Hola, buenos días!!” smiling was
I, ear to ear, after shaking hands with
the dueña—we had figured out the
bus and I was bound for town!

I gave the driver my twenty
peso bill, and he gave me my
four pesos change, and I smiled
and wished all the passengers
a good day, and all was super-duper
happy and contento…

Then I smelled something, around
the time the driver halted and
peeled off the road at a high rate.

Dog poop had infiltrated the bus,
and I looked down the lane I’d
walked to my seat, saw marks of
horror, looked at my right shoe,
and sure enough—

I had tracked in the poo of
some large dog on my first
exciting bus ride into town,
San Miguel de Allende, 2019,

God help us it was a perfect
bummer.  Looking back, I may
have stepped in it at the very
moment I shook my dueña’s
hand, congratulating myself
on figuring out the bus schedule
at last.

Reminds me of something my
dad would have said:

“If the deck is not clear, do not
bother sailing,” or more succinctly—

“Safety First,” or more to the
point of my story, look where
you are going, check for dog
poop, be humble.

I stepped in it, spread it to
the bus, like Europeans spread
disease, alcoholism, and curse
words to the “New World.”

Oh, and a bible.  And guns—a
mixed bag, while European
graves of our forefathers fall
apart, untended.

We forgot to love the land and
honor our fathers, sailed
across an ocean and stole land.

On it today I walked, and stepped
in poop—these facts unrelated,
unless you’re one to relate

The Orange Negotiator

27 Sunday May 2018

Posted by in Blog, Blogs, Humor, Political Satire, Politics, Satire, Tragedy, Trump

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

Trump2

Peace dreams of having many friends.

Flourishes in groups of one mind, or alone on long hikes up the mountain or to the lake.

Once upon a time, there was a large, old, orange negotiator, who had weaseled his way to leadership in a large nation with borders, history and clout.

He was notorious for lying, cheating on his wives, a bumbler and a bully—an avid golfer and talker, highly in debt abroad but always pushing his own business “success,” always assuring others of his prowess and abilities.

He likes to use catch phrases poker players might call “tells,” such as:

“Believe me” = I am lying.
“We’ll see what happens” = I have no idea what I am doing.
“There were good people on both sides” = I am a racist thug.
“Fake News!” = Stories published that hurt my image.
“He’s a Great Guy!” = He’s about to be fired.
“We’re going to take care of” = We’re skating by this moment, saying what makes story die.
“The incredible men and women” = I deify people, because I am myself a god.
“Billions and billions of dollars” = I am obsessed with money.
“Witch Hunt!” = an investigation I do not like.
“Many people are saying” = I am saying.
“Smart people” = People who support me.
“Total disaster” = I didn’t create it.
“CHI-na!!” = Racial slur hidden under tone to stir up racist base.
“Wiki-Leaks!!” = His savior, allowed him to “win” election in 2016 by cheating.
“Nobody really knows,” “Nobody knew” = I didn’t know.
“Lock her up” = Misogyny and misdirection.
“Build the wall!!” = I hate Mexicans, brown people.

COMBO ALERT:

The orange negotiator liked to combine catch phrases, too:

“We’re going to take care of it. A LOT of money! BELIEVE ME! But, we’ll see what happens.”

“Lock her up! Crooked Hillary!!! Wiki-leaks!!!”

And the crowd would erupt.

“Build the wall!” a code for “I’m racist like you!” and the crowd would go crazy again, lift the orange negotiator to leadership of this country.

The Search for My Fourth Wife

27 Sunday May 2018

Posted by in Blog, Blogs, Comedy, Humor, Humorous, Parody, Weird

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

By Will Workinson

***

Hello, my name is Will.

That never seems to impress anyone, but I say it anyway because it is sort of true.

I steer away from absolute truths most of the time because they can be somewhat boring and inconsequential.  I write comedy pieces a lot, which hardly anyone likes.  I am better at poetry, maybe because I was named in part after William Shakespeare by parents who never read.

Years ago, I read in an old second hand bible that Solomon had many wives, but also had written Proverbs—one of them exalting the “Wife of Your Youth” and that you should rejoice with her, be with her, honor her, etc.

Then Malachi came along and warned for us not to “deal treacherously with the Wife of Your Youth…”

I am currently seeking my fourth wife with vigor, despite these warnings from the bible, one of which especially suspicious due to one of the warner’s polygamy.  One thing I’m pretty sure of:

Little Billy, Tommy, Ricky, Mike, Jonathan, Suzy, Penelope and Roberta will be so happy to find a proper mom.  If you are out there, give me a call!!

I tend to carry my kids around like luggage, which I’m sure they appreciate and enjoy.  They seem to like multiple Christmases and zig-zagging all over the country to be with their moms and their families.  I never sit down and ask them how they feel, but I have a sixth sense about such things and know they love the adventure of it all!

I fall in love a lot, and am not too into vows and commitment.

Would you consider hanging out with me and being my fourth experiment?

Love2

Letter to an Atheist

26 Saturday May 2018

Posted by in Blog, Comical, Humor, Humorous, Political, Political Satire, Religious

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

—by Donald Trump

***

What in the hell is wrong with you?

You haven’t accepted your Lord Jesus Christ?

People are stealing into this country every day, because it’s the best country in the world.  They are bringing their crime with them, their pestilence, their disease.  But no more!

Just now my ICE officers are pulling away mothers from their children along the border in a surefire deterrence scheme that will bring order at last to this chaotic, dangerous region!

I am proud to honor all the officers and their families for the sacrifices they make every day to make us Real Americans safe.  By “real,” I refer to the white Americans, whose European ancestry makes us the right people to rule this land.

Our concrete, our asphalt, our trains, planes and automobiles—the helicopters that patrol your neighborhoods and keep birds, coyote and deer away—

This is our legacy, not our shame as Pocahontas in Congress wants you to think.  I am proud of our achievements over the hollering of conservationists and nerdy green peace-freaks.  I like our noise, our industry, our coal, steel and everything that makes America great!

And there you are with your liberal atheism, your disdain for religion.  You stand proud today, then kneel during our country’s national anthem at football games.  You are a disgrace.

I hope this letter has helped you to consider converting to the one true God.  I have read a version of the Bible Kelly Anne Conway gave to me, called The Alternative Fact Bible, and in it are the tenants of democracy, law, order and peace.

We will have peace in this world, if you trust me to make some deals.

Trump3

Trump Marches on Washington For Economic Freedom

15 Sunday Apr 2018

Posted by in Humor, Parody, Political

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Trump

Trump Speech:

I am here today to celebrate national freedom and economic justice for all Americans, white, pink, tanned and proud.

We have long had regulations lording over us oppressed businessmen of tanning booth sheen.  But I have a dream that the days of persecution are numbered, and that America will once again be the great nation it was when President Andrew Jackson kicked out the Cherokee people and made them march with their tails between their legs out of Georgia so we could plunder her gold reserves.

I have a dream today!

That one day, we will return to the glorious order of the segregated south, a separate but equal system uprooted by political correctness and communism.  Martin Luther King was a great man, like me, who wanted economic justice like I do.  For that reason, I propose an end to all regulations that restrict free trade, except in the steel industry and Canadian lumber.  CLEAN COAL!!!

And if men and women desire to hold, sell and buy slaves, we should abolish the abolishment of slavery, an institution that was good enough for Thomas Jefferson, so why not us?!!?

I have a dream today!!

That the bald will have hair, the toothless will have dentures that hold tight in the wind, rain, sleet and storm, during a speech, in the humidity of a Florida golf course, or on the dry cabin of Air Force One.

I have a Dream today!!!

That one day, my children will not be persecuted in my name, but will be the respected ministers of the American government they are!!

I have a dream, that peace will reign throughout the land not because of its diversity, but because our military and police forces will be so strong and lethal that all will fall in line with my will out of natural fear…

I have a dream!!!

That a man will be judged not by the size of his hands generally, but by his height and weight, by proper doctors like Ronny Jackson – who happens to be a rear admiral.

When I asked about getting a real admiral for the post (and my staff are working on this now), it occurred to me I could just move his “rear” over to Veteran Affairs.  He has been warned that his budget will be cut in half so that our current military can make a needed run for the southern border to protect us from all the brown drug dealers pouring over into Minnesota to sell our children pills and Americanized tortas and burritos at inflated rates!

I have a dream!!

That America will be great again, that slavery will return, that white supremacy will rise—which is good for blacks!  Look at my ratings!!  Look at the economy!!  Look at the stock market!!

Look at what we are doing today at the EPA!  No more will “No” be heard at the breakfast table of freedom, but Cheerios will be sprinkled with the sugar of “fuck you” and “who cares.”  Political correctness and environmental protection will die as sure as Christ suffered for our sins—except these regulations had it coming, while Jesus…  Well, when I read about him I will let you know what I think.

Fox News will be airing a show on the Christ soon.  Watch it!!!  The failing New York Times and Washington Post will tell you not to, and NBC will tell you lies that “Trump is bad” and “Trump is not a Christian.”

I am the most Christian person you know, believe me.

I am the least racist, most smart, least braggadocios, most truthful, most experienced president the country has known, who has done more for poor people and minorities than any president in our proud history has ever done—Believe me!!

I have a Dream!!!  Believe me, Dr. Jackson says my dreams are the best he has ever heard about, are signs of maximum health and success!!!

My dream is over!!

Hah!!  We’re living the dream.

I’m flying above you in Air Force One now, not because I have to (I’m privately rich and not in debt)—but because I love serving the people high on fast food sugar and fat.  All of this without a sip of water, Lil’ Rubio—all this without Comey’s lies and Mueller’s fake war record.

God bless you.  And God bless America.  This one, not the fake shithole ones to our north and south.

Thank you!!!
MAGA!!

***

The president at that time was cut short by protesters.  He gave the sign for police brutality against them, a cutting motion with his hands.

Trump spotted Mueller in the crowd, raised his eyebrows, added “No collusion!!” on the microphone before approaching the special prosecutor for a meet and greet.  Trump tried to shake his hand, then go into a hug like the Comey White House shuffle, but Mueller just stared.

Trump pretended not to have asked for Mueller’s hand, looked for Melania, but she was praying at a local Tolerance museum.  He settled for a stroke of his own hair, double-timed for Marine One, happy with the speech, McDonald’s Big Macs calling him, Fox News and a needed trip to Mara Lago.