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Bill Watkins, Traveling Poet

~ Words For You, Just Ask

Bill Watkins, Traveling Poet

Category Archives: Love

When it Rains

08 Friday Jun 2018

Posted by Bill Watkins in Blog, Blogs, God, Law, Love, Nature, Poem, Poems, Poetic Blog, Poetry, Political, Politics

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Crime, God, Joy, Law, Love, Mueller, Nature, Peace, Political, Seasons, Trump, Wild

It matters not the darkness
before dawn, the two at one
needing each other to be
a proper show.

It’s dry and hot, which could
never excite a soul until
the storm clouds roll in
to change forever the state

if forever is a moment, nothing
is—and truth alluding poets
but seeking always we put our
cup out to the sun, wait.

There it is, the first drop
dropping calmly, lightly with a
ting, then another, more here
and there and the humming bird

buzzes by like firefighters not
away from the event but toward
it, they fire, they rain, the bird
wants a bath so sits with the drops

closes its eyes in ecstasy, shudders,
shakes its feathers to complete
the bath before finding a branch under
cover to avoid a drenching.

Boom the thunder hits from a
far-off bolt, but this was not an
electric storm—more of a cleansing
wave, like the law man who finds

the perp burping in the sunshine,
smoking cigars, private jets, pinching
stewardess butts with a smile you’d
think only wine or money makes.

God, the view is good from up here
is a final thought as the plane goes
down, 10-20 years for money laundering
or some other hidden gem.

Wishing no harm on anyone,
unless the point of view of banks is
seen; then if you go there, you
know the people hurt when they

are robbed.  Dishonest is its own
crime, look at the board of ten
brought from God through Moses
upon the Jews, they’re good.

Cleansing is the rain; the storm
picking up, hitting the soil with what
it needs, the apple sprouting the bud
of weeds cramping gardener’s style,

so he gets online to buy more mulch,
poof, on its way, roses budding a creamy
winter of snow on the way against
this rare summer break!

Indictments are sure to come, just
as the mulch arrives, the weeds
relentless until we act, restore a level
of security and sanity to the hill.

Mueller uses not gas-powered crap
but hand to hand combat; God
is proud of earnest, humble work,
punishes the brash, but not before

they win some battles, look at the
South for five years keeping slaves
trapped, little skirmishes won and
lost, guerrilla fighting the tough

life of the rebel.  “We cannot change
the world, it cannot be done” echoes
on an Asian valley butterfly, flying
through the passage of time,

Wondering if mankind, women too,
could all get together, realize we’re
from the same general stuff, rain
water and sun, blood of Earth, the

swim of that stewardess, like a
caterpillar, becoming Flight Attendant
with a lawyer, smart on the game
so she could win, and the butt

pincher faces twenty to life now
for lying to the FBI about killing
Democracy.  The court almost laughed—
not down here, but on the planet

far off that runs us.  “Democracy!” they
laughed and almost fell off the
cliff of the universe, where they stand
and spy.  “People-rule!” gets them

busting up full, and they float down
to Earth through a black hole eating
underwear under there, causing
a great earthquake, followed by

a tsunami, the rains piling up,
a flood rising until Man once
again finds its wisest stance and
repeated mantra through captivity

toward eternal freedom from care:

“We are powerless,” smiled the
orange criminal.

And a lone flower burns on the
hillside of summer untouched,

Making ash for even democracy
to change, become wine from water
and confuse us back to powerlessness
over and over until Samuel gets

out of his cage-like grave, walks
up that dang hill, and makes an
unseen God king again; He’ll
have to do it tomorrow, too if

we wake, my friend—for whatever
progress we made today, it
will rain, and we will wonder if
before it does we laid down enough

seed, to feel the peace of mind
that turns words around, turns
our efforts on themselves, returning
us all to Tao Te Ching-like calm,

the uncarved block, the dawn,
our own birth.  Wordless

and Perfect.

She Had to Get Her Balance

11 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry

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Joy, Love, Peace

To delve in details is trite until
love is the answer—the reason for
the dive!

She stood unbalanced on a curb,
when I dove in to hug her.

We had never met, a forward move,
but we shared honesty on the street;

undressed figuratively, the move was to
share a physical thanks.

So many hold back, you never know—
so when she mid-hug backed away,
I merely figured she was one who holds
back, but actually:

She was being safe.  She knew she teetered
on a curb, so paused the hug to re-
position herself.  Braced on firmer ground,
she gave me fuller attention—

She was serious about hugs!

Serious about hugging me!

Braced she stood ready, arms out, muttering
something about the “curb” and “balance”—
then inviting me in warmly.

A great little hugger, memorialized a couple
poems ago.

That someone takes hugging so seriously was
a refreshing swim in a desert sea.

I dream of what else could be braced for,
hoped for, practiced and accomplished.

She almost fell, re-positioned and caught
me right—

A hug to dream on late in the night.

Love and peace dreamed in the crevasse
of night…

A crack of delight;

Hope the rainbow after rain, the wet
to drown away plight.

A Great Little Hugger

09 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Cute, Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry

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Tags

Joy, Love, Peace

I was walking home—the long way.

You were heading for your car after work,
cool and slow, under a hood on a nice,
sunny fall day—

when I caught you.

We had never met, I asked to pass on
the left, and you were startled.

I asked, “Did I scare you?” and you
kind of said “yes,” then I explored
why you’d be afraid in broad daylight
in the middle of the sidewalk.

She was a sharer; not tall, skinny, dark
hair under the hood, saying what she
most feared was a dog attack around here…

So there I was stopped with the stranger
under the hood by her dusty sedan, cued
to share my martial arts tips—especially
against attacking dogs.

She was a sharer; also a willing listener.

“Willing” being one of the sexiest character
traits of any female I know—

She paused to give me her ears, and I told
the dark art of killing attacking dogs;
knowledge to know and hopefully never use,
as most martial artistry strives to be.

“With Dobermans you do X…” and she
nodded, interested and cute.

“And with all other dogs you do Y.”

I caught my breath, as “Y” is pretty gross
on a full stomach, but she was fine and
grateful for the tip.

I told her about Okinawan Karate’s first
principle, gan, or “eyesight”—as in keep
your eyes on everything and everyone, sight
our first defense against trouble.

Martial Arts is the artform of keeping the peace;
what police claim to do as they siren and
chopper around making noise, shooting guns.

I failed to mention that to Mari, the girl, my
new friend, but again she was willing to converse
on and on with me, so sexy and cute I could
hardly stand.

Not in a hurry, willing, listening, passionate with
stories to rival my stories and accepting of
my business card promising poetry, even
an explicit one or two.

She was okay with that, more talk revealing
she had a boyfriend—something I had to know
before proposing marriage or some dumb thing!

I hugged her three times before we parted.  Each
time she hugged back.  A skinny gal with heart
and love of love—her form filled my body and
time freezes to remind us that on any given day,
you might share a desert island with another soul.

If only for a few moments, they and you are all that
matter.  No boyfriends or wives are there.

Some have the religion or constitution to save
all they have for that loved one at home.

Things really are “what they are,” and the less
we judge them the better.  One could cast a stone,
but sin, truth and need plagues and blesses
us all into hugging strangers with all our heart
sometimes,

Me with room to think of her all night.

Her, with a “boyfriend,” as expressed—but
did she think of me too?

Can chemistry run only one way?

On that desert island, we could make amazing
love together.

As I pray for rain, the sun shines on a sore toe
forbidding an adventure to try and see her again.

Life is the humble pie we eat on the way
to saving the rain forests of the world in our den.

Love in a Greyhound Bus

06 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Erotic, Explicit, Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry, Sex, Sexual, Sexuality

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God, Love, Sex, Truth

I was not looking for love;

She sat down, an older lady by far,
maybe Persian, which would fit,
because the only Farsi words I know
mean “I love you.”

I probably told her this.  She giggled.
Traveling alone from Orange County
to meet family in Las Vegas.

I was heading back to a lonely motel
room, after a Los Angeles date fell through.

We spoke to each other a little, me never
thinking anything big would happen.

I had near hits on the bus; a young blonde
woman telling me some words seemed
silly to her, like “direction,” an obvious
play on male arousal.

That lady just bundled up, and we giggled
at each other across the aisle.

But the Farsi lady was next to me on
the window seat.  Both of us unattached,
but if you went by age, you would think
“Oh, she’s too old to think like that…”

But there we were talking, halfway into
the five-hour trip.  It was dark, only car
lights and shadows whizzing by in the loneliness
of our lives.

Travel-high, we shared stories, and talked
and talked.  She had a nice smile, dark hair—
short, a free lady from a part of the world
women struggled to express.

She said I was “nice.”  This with a big smile,
and frankly said it in a way that said
“I really like you…”

Eyebrows might rise, as a tingle forms in
pants at connecting hearts, a mind together
forming for an interlude of gentle unknowns
and touch—

I said, “If you call me nice again, I might have
to kiss you.”

And she said, “I wouldn’t mind that.”

She smiled, and I leaned in to kiss her.

A first kiss, yielding to open-mouthed second,
for a second both of us one in focus
on the wonders of sex.  The precursor to
creative romps electric, tongue on tongue,
sticky and clinging, messy—it’s not a skill,
it’s surrender to life and love that matters!

Hands grabbed at breasts, all was available,
the key in the door.

I asked her some questions, hoping she
thought what I thought, and the rub and
kiss continued to open a new place for her.

We seemed at a breaking point, me aware of
a slightly disabled teenage girl across the aisle to my right,
this exotic older lover, with some scruples
but not many.

She wanted me, so placed a sweater over
her crotch, unzipped her jeans.

God bless her for it, I was fine to help,
so entered her area with my right hand,
smoothing over her curling black hair, finding
a wet reception in the hot pleasure zone
of fire—life inside, I gave it to her, with

a finger used at times to tell a stranger
to get back in his lane on the freeway.

Our mouths and tongues locked as I
pumped her pleasure crevasse.  God I love
a good bus ride!!

She grunted light sounds into my lungs,
as I tired.  She came and zipped up slowly.

She promised she’d call me, as she rode off
into the night later with family members.

I waved at her good bye, and she pretended
I was no big deal.

She never called, but sometimes I hear her
gasping in my dreams, the pleasure
that makes a painful night interesting,
the memory its own cavern of wonder,
more and more important a place with
every day lived toward greying hair, old
age and stunted libidos.

Whew!

Never judge a book by its cover, go with
the flow, and find a friendly memory as a
companion for life—the next best thing
to a physical place to rest your heart by
the fire at night.

Love in a Greyhound bus.  You never know
where it’s going to go right!

Her Lips are Sealed

21 Saturday Oct 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry

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Tags

Love, Sex, Truth

What causes the false start,
the gunk to get caught in a pipe
before the truth sledges out—

is the same force, call it “fear,”
afflicting the alcoholic, sipping
sadly alone on his beer.

The hefty bear, wandering around
pure as snow, collecting food for
the winter before time to go…

Hibernation is not just the dream of
the hairy beast; we hide behind the
rocks of safety when called to

tell our controversial truth.  Because
we were judged or abused once, we
are twice shy, and over time we inch

back, back, then far enough back to
turn a fuzzy science project out of
your favorite pie, a prayer to the sky—

Freud in fact said that we drink flammable
liquid for our failure to honestly express
love.  Sex can be scary; intimacy so tender

and again, bring in a past abuse or rejection
and complicated is the issue to the level
of dysfunction.  We lie to protect ourselves;

We shy and seal lips to protect, and that
process has a course.  It ends when we
can with God, Good Orderly Direction, or

Some sort of Power greater than us Forgive
a hurt and learn to trust again.  We must
at some point “out” ourselves, “so why not

now” I may ask a shy one I love. But she
needs time; the flower is not physically
closed—but emotionally and/or mentally

there may be a block.  Sometimes formidable,
but with faith whole mountains can be
moved from there to here, this belief is real—

Recovery comes to those willing to be honest
and heal, “what’s the deal,” well the thing
hinges on Open minds and willingness after

you are willing to trust, let someone in,
and peel back your dress.  God is with
the first feeling, wants us to be honest about

it, but I’ll wait for you to find courage in
the walk toward Truth.  A walk that cannot
be made without the Wife of my Youth.

First wife is last, there is no other; when you
find her, it’s like the day you found God…

There is no other.

She Wiped a Pleasure Tear

17 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry

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Joy, Love, Peace, Sex

She had lost her husband.

Shot and killed, the streets of
L.A. between the trash and spray.

She had gained a friend, I checked on
her every day, whenever I shopped,
and my legs brought me by her place.

I gave her flowers.  A card.  Brought a
plant for her mother-in-law, the victim’s
mother, who lived above her.

She was in her thirties, me in my
forties, me not looking for love—I had
just given up extra-marital sex of any
kind!

But heat started to play.  Her vulnerability,
my eagerness to comfort her, her fake
blonde mane—soft to my hard in L.A.
between the trash and the spray.

I told her she was attractive many times,
kissed her hair.

I hugged and she hugged back.  We held
a moment, parted but marks were left
behind like what waves do to shores,
there was a mounting vibe.

Physicality supplied.  I’d cover up if I
was modest.  I have in an honest, funny
mood brought attention to arousal, but
this time prayed about it, decided to
ignore.

She smiled at me, took off the towel
guarding her wet hair, recently showered.

She faced me, and I her.  And there was
no pretense minus need.  We were in love
without the words, but to be sure I told
her “I love you”—

as I kissed her hair again in dusty L.A.
between the trash and the spray!

It all left a tear drop she could not ignore
like my enlargement, so to be sure
not to burst and show, she took her shirt,

tucked it down to wipe the tear.

Sexuality and mourning do not fully
belong together, and so we are patient
for the year to help us transition, get jobs
and financial security, an engagement ring

and a place to propose.

But the feelings are there to start, me almost
regretting I didn’t ask her for her shirt, but
smiling ideas days later are the futile fuel
of lacking frowns, I am glad for what we had

and have, am sorry for her loss.

Excited for our potential gain, with who
knows, perhaps another year of honest
rain, rainbows, truth and innocent touches
leading to spiritual growth and pleasure
tears.

Children, all of us, reeling in the years…

She Has a Knight

31 Thursday Aug 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry

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Tags

Anne, Joy, Love, Peace, Truth

She didn’t need to call, the ring
from far off sounding men to women,
one for each, Malachi and Solomon
claiming wives of our youth.

I heard the call, ran from it a long time,
like Jonah’s date with a whale, time
would sadly tell a tale of what not to
do when in love…

She had a knight!

A Welsh conqueror in flight;
Once awoken I cannot retreat,
To surrender not in the code, but
only to do right.

Truth may cause the best in us to
prevail against wind and sin, rising up
in us we can only avoid it so long until like
a wave makes toward a pebbled shore—

We choose expression and action over
the whale.  In the end, change becomes
the buzzword of the tale, the dream of all
that we can be becomes now, this moment—

Eclipsing all others, pasts and future bothers,
until we rhyme with time, are the effort
we project, peace of mind the heaven we always
looked up to see.

Tenderness was encased in military-graded glass;
late is better than never to the most needed
of all class, Law precedence taking prescient
permanent residence in the Peaceful pursuit of

the right love for one becoming two, two becoming
three and four all the way to Lao Tzu’s sweet
10,000—the dream of terrestrial ecstasy calling
you and me out of the whale forever.

The crest of Watkins and Wales shines on my vest
as I swoop in disciplined but inspired.  I grab flowers
while I fight back demons, destined to rip apart
violence with submission to Christic love determined.

I shall not strike at the striker, but give him love,
defend the honor of my gal with every strand
of precision and skill my lack of musket can muster
on the field that whispers “gan,” Japanese

Martial arts again, calming all insipience back to
subtle gentility and peace.  The strawberry blonde
desire for my gentle fire cascades somewhere unknown
and far away, while I sit and ponder.

I can only do my best, reach toward God, survey
the day and never speed in its quest.  God help
me now as I pull off my vest, show the heart of the
warrior bleeding poetry from the stream within—

God, you helped me to love but I resisted its
expression, sought the Freudian answer in
flammable liquid, sought the Devil until I cast
him behind, wearing this armor now of veterans

to shine.  I am with the LORD of Hebrew fame
and glory, draw from the native American Great
Spirit, Tao Te Ching and any other truthful spring.

Peace of mind be with her until we meet—

She has a knight vamped low, camping nigh
and high above the flood line.  Smart at times,
but quick to learn, the study of failed kings,
Solomon teaching the wisdom in economic asking.

She has a knight to honor her and God, the
route to both he makes without a pout about
the mapping.

Only God above knows what it is that is truly
right; while clarity ponders my naked sight,
I proclaim like Dylan, a true Watkins humbled by the
night:

She has not only me, but what God alone next
to me can see, she has this prayer, this prince,
this wayward Jonah asking you to dance…

She has so many things and dreams, but she also
has me, fighting for those dreams and God’s
so tenderly.

She has a knight.

She has me…  The better part, the light of God
within me pouring might.

She has God, too, she has a knight!!

If only to fight for the right to be wrong;
she has a knight, for eternal is time and
poems too long.  She has a knight!

And God has us, blessed in an embrace of kings,
so that Samuel can recede, men ruling men
subside, the world toward Eden roar back,
Paradise a matter of smiling in the dark,

choosing happiness with God over knowledge,
Gradgrind’s fact, fact, fact.

She has a knight, and like Jonah I’m coming back.
From Whales to Wales, dark to light, death
to life, lies to truth I’m returning as knights do,
to tell you over and over what always was true:

I love you.

God and truth on my patch next
to flags and sheaths—She has a knight, and only
one.  For others that try to claim her I say they
must be better than I, better and truer so good
luck with that—my heart is yours.

I wish we could all be as happy as me just
to be on the road to peace.  To discard the weapons
of fear, to honor the wife of my youth, and put
God first is to know I am truly here.

She has a knight, and I a lass to love—

I may never see her again, but my honor is full.

And with that I close my eyes in night aware
I was my best person today.

She has a knight, and me my peace of mind—

We are in love in our own lanes, and God will unify
only in His or Her sweet time.

We are apart for now, but not in hearts that know—

God, fill us with happiness, if we do the things
that please You.  She has a knight!

A fella in the fight!!!

No one shall deal treacherously with her, not while
I ride this walkway home.  I love her in the light of
my memory, and that is enough, and so I roam.

She has a knight.  It is me, a Welsh former-
conqueror of lands to the west of the sea.

She has a knight, and he is me, I love her name,
her song, her form it’s “Anne!!”  And she is my
only queen.

2nd Adolescence of a 33-yr Old Virgin Alcoholic

30 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry, Recovery, Sex, Sexuality

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Alcohol, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholism, Betty Ford Center, Joy, Love, Peace, Recovery, Steve Carell

Whew!

It’s hard to make a comeback, especially
when there is nothing behind you—only now.

Drinking fire on Dad’s lap at five, I let
my first crush pass me by…

There were no feelings, nor a safe place
to explore or express them…

Until I got to Betty Ford at 22, and a black
social worker named Lee intervened on
my dishonesty.

In time for me to abandon the sickness of
telling lies, in time to join Al-Anon, overdose
twice, join AA, and finally have sex on my
third sobriety birthday.

I was thirty-three in human years.

Thirty-three!!!  Seven short of a Steve Carell
comedy on the subject, and of a sad topic in
my Abnormal Psych class at UCSB.

I’ve been on a long second childhood and
adolescence post-Lee and Al-Anon, since
telling the truth and trying to “move on…”

It’s hard to be a child with a beard.

It’s hard learning to say “I love you” and
other truths for the first time in a man’s
body when they expect you to “Go to
Work.”

My mind without alcohol beating down on it
was “working.”  That work I did…

Work was Force multiplied by Distance, said
my Physics teacher, known to live a life of
Celibacy—how could he?

Easy.  Hard.  Difficult, but with a God or Higher
Plan about you, anything you want to do can be done,
even moving the canyon from there to there.

I have given up sex to honor my first crush, the
Wife of my Youth.  No one told me to do this,
but the idea came like a prayer to wrestle my
mind from confusion.

Honor.  Honor your parents, yes, keep the
Sabbath day holy, believe in God, don’t kill,
lie or steal, but also:

DO NOT COVET and DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

Do not pretend to be single, when you have failed
to keep your commitment to the Wife of Your
Youth…

I am married to God and her.  She lives not with me;
therefore sex is not possible for a moral man.

No one told me what to do with sex growing up,
No one told me about it, what it was for and
with who to have it…

My first life was a dishonest pass through love,
never admitting or expressing it.

A “childhood” of alcohol consumption, sports
and superficial relationships.

That “childhood” had to die; a new one started
in the middle of my body’s manhood—which made
many, including me, uncomfortable.

But it had to be done; I had to live the Truth, get to
here, pray to God—find my sexual and loving path,
reason and pray sex away in the current moment,
make an adult decision to Honor all that makes
us proper men and women.

“Be as a child” to enter heaven, and “rejoice
with the Wife of your youth…”

That is the plan, not handed to me by any
person, though spiritual friends have helped.

“Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.”

We can make our lives sublime, Longfellow
reminds, go big or go home.

“Be perfect as God is perfect,” strive to be the
best we can be, and attain John Wooden’s
famous peace of mind, if you merely strive
you surely get it.

The Wife of My Youth – Part Two

23 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by Bill Watkins in Blogs, Love, Poem, Poems, Poetry

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Tags

Joy, Love, Peace

Let thy fountain be blessed:
and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
—Proverbs 5:18

We wait until thirty, marry our fourth
girlfriend, then threaten her with divorce.

If you’re me (pray you’re not), you never
learned love, lied to the wife of your youth,
fell in love with eight or nine girls, played sports
or drank alcohol all over them, made fun
of them when it was clear I hadn’t the skill
to “have” them, be with them, marry them.

I lied to the wife of my youth.

Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one
deal treacherously against the wife of your youth…
—Malachi 2:15

I lied to the wife of my youth.  I have sought
the love of strangers, because I was not honest
with the love of my life, the blessing God
gave me back in third grade.

A hard curse to reverse, but if Boston and
Chicago can get their baseball teams past
theirs, perhaps there is a way to reverse my
sad state.

*******

I saw Anne well before third grade.  I mean,
I think I did, but it was that school year that
illuminated her in a different light.

They call it a “crush.”  Solomon and Malachi
called her the Wife of my Youth.

I was two years from my parents splitting up,
had had a drink of bourbon on Dad’s lap, and
was into tennis.

She was too.  Into tennis.

There was a crush and feelings, possibly before
the night John McEnroe played doubles in front
of us, but that night moved the feelings forward
to another level.

It was a Sunday night, and we had “Show and Tell”
the next day in school, and I think Anne talked about
it.

We both went to the match with our families,
professional tennis on exhibition at a local
Southern California venue, maybe UCLA.

My family and I watched the doubles match,
and five or so rows below us to our right was
the Devereux family, Anne’s family, taking in the
match as well.

We were tennis families.

She was so blonde back then, maybe still is,
I dunno.

So cute.  So pretty.  A little tennis-playing athlete,
like me, probably with pro sports dreams—like me.

She had split-up parents, like me—I think alcohol
dripping through them, like me.

She was just gold and pure from my point of
view.  There was no divorce in looking at her,
no alcohol, no sadness.

Just a desire to be with her, spend time with her,
impress her—make her laugh.

I was in love.

God was not in my life, no source
of courage or strength.  Dad was my
favorite person before Anne came around, but
he and I never talked about feelings.

Coors Light, bourbon and water, divorce and
pretending to be excited about two
Christmases were some of my hobbies
by the time I fell in love with that cute
blonde five rows below me in the stadium,
a couple desks over in our third grade
classroom.

During show and tell the Monday after that
Sunday night tennis outing, Anne shared
that she had gone to see professional tennis,
and shared with a giggle that she had seen ME,
which was the moment in her share I was hanging
on in earnest.

I was in someone’s story, which was cool, but
that she was in my heart was new, and I had no
idea how to proceed.

So I hoped.  And hoped.  And looked.  And kept
trying to catch her attention, make her laugh or
smile.

I bragged about stuff.  She entrapped me once with
a prank, while “tripping people” became something
fun to do.  (We weren’t guided very well)

I declared to Anne that “I could never be tripped.”

Then one day, when the bell rang for P.E. (my favorite
class), Untrippable Bill RAN out of the classroom,
only to have Anne with her foot out.

Totally tripped me.  Could have killed me.

And she laughed.  And she had me.  It was mean,
but I guess I liked the attention…

*******

Osmosis didn’t work with love.  At least,
not with this one.  It did not seep out and share
itself by close proximity to the subject.

Feats achieved on the playing field, classroom,
or with any bragging words did not grant me
access.

I had no phone number, no date for tennis, no
way to keep in touch over the Summer, so when
the last bell rang for the three month break,
I was secretly sad at my failure.

It may have been the day we went to see Mork
and Mindy taped.  My friends and I did stuff our
moms planned for the last day of school; one time
we went to the beach…

It was all fine, except the person I really wanted
to be with was Anne Devereux.

And she went off, may have done stuff with her
friends, and I was privately devastated.  Unable to
communicate love, I was on my way to multiple
failures in love, never having a clue that Alcohol
was at the center of it all.

*******

The devil wears many dresses, corrupts, shines
in a way you wanna grab, have that thing.

I reached for Dad’s bourbon and water.

It took no courage…

But to tell Anne I loved her; that was something
I did not have in my bag, to use a tired golf
analogy.

I was scared.  I had no God to pray to about
that fear, so let the fear run my silence, and love
was not expressed.

I hurt myself; I hurt Anne.  I blasphemed against
God by not following my heart in love, and am left
to serve time for that.

Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thy
ravished always with her love.

I even made a cruel joke about Anne during our
ninth grade class trip.  It came from total despair
at not knowing how to express feelings, be intimate
with anyone.  So I lashed out against her.

I looked for someone new to love and cheat by not
telling the truth.

Rinse.  Repeat.  Rinse.  Repeat…

And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with
a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of
a stranger?

God could see my sins.  I could not, still forsaking
without knowing, playing those sports, drinking
those beers—Running with the Devil himself.

For the ways of man are before the eyes of the
LORD, and he pondereth all his goings.

I was spiritually dying…

His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself,
and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.

He shall die without instruction; and in the greatness
of his folly he shall go astray.

Yet ye say, Wherefore?

Make no mistake, it’s a big deal to cross
the LORD, and the LORD’s plans for you.

Because the LORD hath been witness between
thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom
thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy
companion, and the wife of thy covenant.

We play act, pretend all is fine with the
strangers we have found.

We make due and survive, but…

There is a subtle, sometimes harsh wind that
blows, that challenges—even threatens—

Peace of Mind.

And without that… God’s curse becomes real,
our true paths forgotten, and Heaven an
empty dream.

The Great Mistake

16 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by Bill Watkins in Life, Love, Native America, Poetry

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Black Hawk

I think that wherever the Great Spirit places his people,
they ought to be satisfied to remain, and thankful for
what He has given them, and not drive others from the
country He has given them because it happens to be
better than theirs!
—Black Hawk

We shoved off.  White, tanned
by sun, a coastal breeze beckoning,
calling.

Religious persecution was another
thing.

Freedom.  Freedom to believe
and worship.

Freedom to advance past a certain
station, to be socially mobile.

Some just wanted to escape, some
forced out, some came in shackles.

A long trip across a tough ocean in at
first small vessels was so dangerous,

That I think by the time the survivors
made it to the shore of Virginia or Carolina
or Massachusetts:

There was a pride.  Perhaps by then a damning
one that made the folks
Blind.

Folks who saw a land, but failed
to truly see the Greatness of the People
who already lived there.

Great as the waterfalls, green and splendor
of any Eastern coast was a people to
match the hills and valleys of the land.

I can only say “sorry,” and plan
my return trip back across the sea to
Wales.

May all white eyes follow me who
can, and reset.  Let the native peoples
make their land great again.

Wipe out the white man’s roads, cement
and trash.

Its guns, sirens and helicopters.

Welcome back the coyote, wolves, the
deer and birdsong, decorate again the
country with silence.

A peace in mist.

I dream to make Wales Great like
America was before we called it
“America.”  It had an indigenous
name, and was doing fine.

We thought only of ourselves.

We failed to see them.

The Great Mistake.  Someone told me
recently that it “just isn’t practical
to go back, to do anything about our
errors.”

I disagree.  The only thing to do when
you make grave mistakes is to go back,
make amends.  Fix the mess.

And the “Metro,” half-dead with
zombies and trash: will die.

The corruption in suits will parish.

And the land will thrive, the Great Spirit
will soar again:

Me in Wales—

My gift to God, to leave this land and people
alone.

Just one white man gone.  My amends.

I’m sorry.

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